The Secrets He Kept
by Cristya Blade
Summary: Naruto thinks of all the things that have happened in his life that he would never tell a soul, both the worst and the best. NaruHina in the end. This story contains: bedwetting, lonliness, theft, awkward crushes, and love.


A/N: Posted the rough 11-29-11, edited 11-30. Someone pointed out to me that I'd given this an awkward title. Whoops I had no idea. So the title changed, but it it still the same story. In any case, please enjoy and have a nice day.

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><p>There were several things that Naruto wouldn't tell anyone, ever.<p>

The first of these things he remembered from when he was very young. He wet the bed for a lot longer than he felt he should have. Although outwardly he had no indication of whether this was a normal thing or a bad thing, he felt ashamed of it so he never spoke up when it happened. The ladies that did the laundry and chores in the building he was allowed to live in- the closest thing he had to a mother- only came in his room once a week, and when they did they gave him cold looks. When it happened he expected to be scolded. 'Why did you do that?' he always thought they'd say, or, 'You've been sleeping in this the whole week? What's wrong with you?' But they didn't even scold him. Just glanced at him occasionally as they went about their work, if they even decided to come in when he was there.

Another secret he guarded with his whole being was that, as a child, when he had an extra moment to himself because no one would play with him and he had nothing to occupy his time, he would follow people around. It was true he liked to play pranks, so he could have said that was the reason, but he knew it wasn't. He followed people around when he was a child because he liked to pretend, even for a moment, that they were his family. He would walk behind adults and especially couples to see how close he could get to them. Maybe onlookers could be convinced that the group might be a family. Maybe he could fool himself into thinking it, too. But in the end when they ultimately spotted him, they would give him a brief glance and murmur things to each other and decide to take a different path. He didn't like to follow them after that, his illusion was broken.

He thought that a lot of his former classmates would be weirded out if they knew that during the first ninja academy outdoor survival camp out he had stayed up the whole night and watched everyone sleep. Even though he was left out as usual, he couldn't forget the excitement of that night. He'd be sleeping outdoors! And with other people, too! It was so rare for him to sleep near others that he found that when it came time to, he couldn't. He wasn't alone in his room! It was exciting! People had different bedtime rituals and colorful pajamas and some made weird noises when they slept- it was so very different from his quiet, dark room. When he couldn't drift off he decided it was best not to try so he sat near the coals where the fire had been and watched everyone. People moved and snored and some even chewed as they slept. He watched them until the sun came up and his eyes felt heavy, and the next thing he knew Iruka-sensei was hollering at him to wake up along with all the other lazy sleepyheads.

Ah, speaking of Iruka-sensei and sleeping, he hoped it would never be spoken aloud what had happened about a week after that fateful day he had learned the kyuubi was sealed inside of him and Iruka-sensei had saved him and been saved by him in turn. That night Iruka-sensei had given him his headband, and Naruto felt accepted for the first time in his whole life. That headband had inadvertently become a symbol of that acceptance. So when Iruka-sensei jokingly asked for it back because Naruto was getting his own brand-shiny-new one, he had no idea it cut Naruto to the core. He'd returned it without a word and gone back to his goggles. He knew it would only be a couple of days until he truly had his own headband, but the goggles he once loved now felt like a demotion. And as pleased as he was to have his own headband- he didn't even wear it in advance for fear of scratching it- it just didn't have the feeling of acceptance Iruka-sensei's had. So he'd done the most logical thing he could think of at the time which, naturally, was break into the man's house at night and steal it. Yeah, he'd done that. And not a great job of it either. The next day when Iruka-sensei saw him, the teacher wasn't wearing a headband and Naruto expected a lecture. Instead the man just eyed him for a moment and smiled and said "Congratulations again on graduating, Naruto." Naruto never returned the headband and when life seemed to be at its bleakest, he slept with it too. Neither of them had ever spoken it out loud, but Naruto was pretty sure it was understood that Iruka was the first family he knew.

Another thing he never said out loud, although everyone knew any way, was that he used to have a huge crush on Sakura. Ok... maybe this one he _had_ told people. But he didn't remember telling them! Lovesickness could make people talk without meaning to. He hoped she never found out he was the one who put gum in her shoes. Or that he's the one that had accidentally brought fleas to their class. Kiba and Akamaru took the blame for that one, and Naruto was never planning on setting that record straight. The thing he really didn't want people to know about his crush on Sakura was that he had no idea why he had it. He liked her. He wasn't sure what it was like not to like her. But it wasn't like he could list the reasons, like he thought he should be able to. He guessed she was good looking. She was a girl. Mostly she acted girly. She was smart. He wasn't sure that actually attracted him but hey, at least it made her stand out, kinda... sorta. Ok, maybe he just liked her because she was regular? His life was abnormal, maybe he was seeking someone just the opposite. Or maybe it was because she so adamantly disliked him. Even if he was getting insulted or beaten on, at least a girl was paying attention to him. But whatever the reason he liked her, he didn't know. And he didn't know why it had stopped. Sure he still loved her, but he loved Iruka and Kakashi and Jiariya and hey, even Sasuke too, and he sure didn't want to marry any of them! He didn't know how it had come and didn't know how it had gone. He still cared about her of course. Which was another thing he'd never let anyone know; how much it hurt when she'd lied to him and said she loved him. It was a kind of pain he'd never experienced before, and for him that was rare. He didn't ever want her to be burdened with the knowledge of what she'd caused right then.

But it wasn't the worst pain he had suffered. Not mentally and by far not physically. The worst physical pain he'd had was one he couldn't talk about only because it was impossible to describe. Even if he told people to imagine the worst injury they'd ever had and multiply it by a thousand, he still didn't think that would accurately cover it. A painful situation, a painful story, a pained man; he was accurately named. And Naruto had suffered under his torture and still managed to forgive him.

He hated that this memory, one of his worst, was mixed in with his absolute best. Before he'd been pinned down, he was in sage mode. Even with chakra draining, even with all the pain coursing through him, even though he wasn't exactly in sage mode any more, he could still feel it coming towards him. Purpose. Determination. Some kind of feeling far more than anything he thought he'd ever felt. The atmosphere was so strong, so sudden, in that very second it drowned Pain out and he had no idea who it was. And it was Hinata. The little mousy girl who was weird, but so shy he couldn't bring himself to ever show her anything but a smile for fear that she'd become even more scared of him than she already seemed to be. The little girl who stuttered his name whenever she spoke to him. The little girl who had trouble lifting her head but still managed to help him more than once during his chuunin exams. And did her best. And pointed out that he always did his best, too. It was that little girl; but she wasn't a little girl any more.

He couldn't tell anyone, least of all her, what he felt at that moment. With a bit of sage mode still lingering in him, he felt others; felt their emotions, their intentions, what was surrounding them. And Hinata overwhelmed him completely. He felt it before she said it. Even as he screamed at her to leave, he was screaming because there was no way he could tell her that at that very moment she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever known in his whole life. And he just couldn't have her destroyed; not with that indefinable beauty, not over him. But when she said she was there of her own free will, he knew that nothing, _nothing_ he could say would make her leave. He could feel it from her. At that moment, she was stronger. Maybe she'd always been that strong. Maybe he just hadn't been paying attention.

He wasn't sure what stunned him more, the unknown bliss radiating from her to himself via the remnants of sage mode or the fact that she'd just called him the man she loved, but he couldn't speak. Even if he weren't restrained, he doubted he could have moved. Somebody loved him. _Loved him_. Had _always_ loved him.

It was, in all honesty, the best thing he believed had or would ever happen to him. It was better than his first acknowledgement by Iruka. It was better than beating Sasuke, better than beating Neji, better than beating Gaara, better than any victory he'd ever won and he hadn't even known he was fighting for it. Heck, he _hadn't_ been fighting for it. It was better than learning any ultimate technique, better than a hug from Sakura, better than ramen, and better than he had ever imagined love could be. And he didn't even _know_ this girl. When he met his father in the depths of his mind, he had a family, a real family. And then he got to meet his mother, which was in all honesty completely more awesome than meeting his dad. And he knew that they loved him. But he still wasn't sure they topped that single moment. A moment which Naruto had no idea what to do with.

Of all the things Naruto never ever wanted to tell anyone, the primary in his mind was this: he didn't want to tell Hinata that he had no idea what to do with her confession. For the moment, he didn't love her. He barely knew her. He hadn't talked to her that much. It was weird to admit. He was both afraid that he loved her and afraid that he didn't. But, looking up at the street ahead of him and noticing a dark haired girl walking calmly along the sidewalk, he could think of something that he definitely did have to tell someone. He jogged up beside her and matched pace.

"Hey Hinata. Mind if I walk with you?"


End file.
